i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
