john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
