my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize