Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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