if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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