Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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