When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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