I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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