I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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