If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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