Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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