i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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