I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
