I'm laying in your front yard are you home
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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