I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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