No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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