Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize