dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
