every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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