Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
