We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
