I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
