I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i need some magic done to my vagina
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize