I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
