I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
