just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
