What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
