So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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