I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
