I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
