Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize