found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
