I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
