Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
