Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
well you can't waste a boner
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
