I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
