when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
