Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
