Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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