Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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