I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize