oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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