i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
