can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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