she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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