I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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