just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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