She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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