I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
