I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
