Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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