Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
sarcasm needs its own font
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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