I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
