Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
