I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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