guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
