I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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